When a Loved One Dies – a Checklist for Survivors
Losing a parent is probably one of the hardest things that any of us will have to go through in our lifetime. Unfortunately, last week it was our turn. The night of April 30th we received a hysterical phone call from my fiancé’s mother that his father had passed. Heartbroken and shocked, we raced to her aid and dealt with the chaos at hand. There were a dozen family members, friends, and paramedics. We were not prepared for this situation at all.
When a loved one dies, all the practical things that need to be addressed can be particularly overwhelming during such an emotional time. To help my fiancé with this, I used my organizing skills to make a checklist that I will be sharing at the end of this post. Needless to say, this was not the most fun organizing project, but gathering important documents and knowing what needed to be handled was extremely important.
My soon-to-be-father-in-law suffered from diabetes; at age 68 no one thought that his life was so close to the end. I believe that our Heavenly Father gave him some inclination that he needed to say his goodbyes, because he spent his last day professing his love to his wife and talking with relatives and friends. At first, we weren’t even sure how it happened, but soon enough we would learn that his life was ended by a massive heart attack.
The irony of death is that it brings together the living; we are reminded how much people truly care. My fiancé’s mother was met with numerous helping hands. Neighbors brought food and even trimmed her hedges.
It still seems surreal that we won’t be able to go over to his house to discuss our latest DIY project or call him up to ask a silly novice question. His expertise was varied and he was always eager to give advice. He would readily loan us tools and if possible, lend a helping hand. In the three short years I knew him, he always made us feel special and important. His influence in our lives will be greatly missed.
When comforting loved ones in times of loss I think it’s important to remember there are no magic words and there is no time limit on grief. Grief is personal and not always well understood. Our presence and support is usually all anyone wants or needs. Everything else, God will heal in His time.
Hopefully, you won’t have to go through this any time soon but when you do I pray this list gives you some peace of mind.
Download the Survivor’s Checklist
Link Ups: Thrifty Thursday, Create it Thursday, MAKING MONDAY LINK PARTY, A Dash of Sanity, French Country Cottage, Chic on a Shoestring,
We’re thinking about you guys. I’m so very sorry about what happened. This is a wonderful resource that I know will help grieving people get through the process a little easier.
Thank you Angela.
Once again, Amanda, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a parent. I lost my stepdad to cancer 7 1/2 years ago (he was only 48) and it is still hard sometimes to look at my boys and know how badly he wanted to be a grandpa. He started chemotherapy the day after my oldest was born and he was too sick most of the time to enjoy being with him for the brief 6 months he had left. I pray that you, your fiancee, and his family are all coping with such a sudden and tragic loss.
Thank you Katie for such kind words. I will definitely pass them on to him. I’m sorry about your step-father too. I can’t imagine life without my parents, especially not having them experience being grandparents. Thanks again for the prayers and positive thoughts.
Hi Amanda. I came across this post at your Thursday STYLE party tonight. What a great idea to make a checklist. I haven’t read it yet, but I will. We just lost my father almost exactly a year ago at a fairly young age (he was 63 years old). He wasn’t married and my brother, sister, and I had NO CLUE what to do. Even right after the decisions start (i.e. pick a funeral home so we can call someone to come pick up the body (he died at home)). What?!? How in the world do we do that in 2 minutes?? Cremation or burial, what type of urn/coffin. Who to call? What day to have the funeral? And then the next year spent dealing with the estate stuff, while not having a clue or being prepared for his death whatsoever. Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your fiancé is doing okay. It will get easier every day. Thinking of your family …
XO,
Katie
Your situation sounds very familiar. My father-in-law passed at home too and waiting for the coroner, dealing with all the chaos and “what happens next?” questions made it all the more unreal. There should be some required college class or something, because until I started researching I didn’t know there were so many things to take care of and we weren’t prepared either. I hope this list helps someone avoid confusion. Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words.
Thank you for this. A close family friend passed away this week and even though she’d been in poor health for a while, death did not seem imminent. She and her family had been my family’s friends for 45 years. It’s shocking what the family left behind has to deal with and decide about in the throes of their grief. I’m pinning your list for future reference. It’s something we don’t want to need any time soon, but death is a natural part of life, and we need to be prepared. My sincere condolences on the loss of the man who sounds as if he loved you very much.
Thank you and you’re welcome Ellen. I am glad to see that our loss has helped someone and I am sorry for your loss, as well.
Thank you! I’m going through this process, my mom passed away this week, and it is very hard to know to think straight.
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Thank you so much for this list. I am trying to be sure I have everything together for my loved ones and this is extremely simple and very thorough.
Hi Janet. Thank you for visiting my blog. I’m glad I was able to help you during this difficult time. Blessings.
Thank you Amanda for this list! I found it on pinterest. We lost my father last week in a car accident and he had no will, life insurance, etc. so your checklist has truly been a godsend for me and my siblings to get things together since his funeral. We are meeting with an attorney tomorrow and I now feel we have a better handle on things.
I’m so sorry for your loss Karla. I can’t imagine the pain you and your family must feel. I’m glad I was able to provide a tiny bit of hope for you all. ♥️♥️
For those in PA, please involve an estate lawyer. It was almost embarrassing to walk into Orphan’s court and be told, “You should have a lawyer here doing this”. No clue; no information; had to begin all over again with an estate lawyer. Finally got his estate closed 18 months later.
Definitely Jenn. I’m not a lawyer and this list is not legal advice, only an organizational tool. Blessings.
After losing both parents, one in 1992 and the other in 2015, my first husband in 2006, and now my oldest brother in March 2019, I would like to add a few things to your list:
When going to the funeral home:
Have the following information:
1. Full name, date of birth, place of birth, date of death, official time of death, place of death, mother’s full name, father’s full name, name of spouse, names of children, grandchildren, and siblings.
2. Clothing that you want your loved one to wear.
3. Gather photos of your loved one, both hard copy and digital (put on flash drive)
4. Have 3 songs that you would like to be played–a favorite song of the loved one, a theme song to a show, something that relates to them.
5. Where you want donations to go.
6. If you want to have the death posted in the local newspaper. This is HUGE cost! The funeral home will post it on their website and with other social media websites, the choice is up to the family.
Soon after death
*If your loved one was working, call their employer to notify them of their death and request information about benefits, life insurance, and any pay due.
*If your loved one lived alone, contact postal services to forward mail, arrange for someone to take care of any pets and plants, and shut off cable/satellite services. Once you have transferred the data, both numbers and pictures, turn off internet and cellular services.
Within the first month:
*Write Thank you notes to those that attended the funeral and helped out in any way
*If necessary, contact agency providing pension services and request claim forms.
*Write a letter to each of the Credit Reporting Agencies notifying them of your loved ones death and request that Deceased–Do not issue credit be flagged on their file. You will need to include full name, address, social security number, date of birth, date of death, proof of executor, and a photocopy copy of death certificate. Also, request that they send you a copy of the credit report.
*Write a letter to all physicians and notify them of your loved one’s death.
All of them didn’t have a will or trust. My parents and my first husband had life insurance, thank God! My brother’s has been the hardest. We were notified that he had stage 4 cancer on Valentine’s Day. He didn’t have medical insurance or life insurance. My siblings and I traveled down to help him and his son. We were trying to find medical assistance, apply for disability, and help him. By March 8, 2019, he was gone. This was the hardest one to deal with! As a family, we pulled together, with his friends, set up a gofundme page to pay for his funeral.
With these experiences, I have learned how to group text, set up a gofundme page, write letters to credit card companies to notify them of death and no estate, dealing with demanding creditors, and how precious each day is, and cherished each person in your life.
Bless you for providing this list.
Thank you April for the additions. This is some valuable experience you’ve gained that I am certain will help others when they are lost in the grieving process. **Hugs**
I’m so sorry that you chose to describe your fiance’s mother’s call as “hysterical”. It was a derogatory term to use for someone who had
just lost the love of her life. It was condescending. I just lost my lifetime love. I wasn’t “hysterical”, but I sure wouldn’t want someone describing me that way. You won’t have a clue, probably, until you, yourself, are in the situation of losing your lifetime love. I’m so very sorry for her loss.
Seems like that really bothered you… actually, she described herself that way. Also, I’ve had more loss in my life than you probably realize. I’m sorry whatever happened to you has made you are so quick to judge today.